We are sorry we missed you today when we tried to deliver a small parcel which would not squeeze through your letter box and we did not want to leave in the back garden or garage as by the sounds of it you have a ferocious dog in there and we dared not take the risk.
So, if you do not mind, please may we ask you to prepare to collect the item at the collection depot but no earlier than five hours after our attempted delivery which was at 10 a.m. this morning, and we close at 1.30 in the afternoon.
We do open at 6 a.m. every day though. Again, we are terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but why you were not in when we came, I shall never know!
Your friendly Post Executive.”
“Dear friendly Post Executive,
When I made haste this morning to collect my item, I was met with a queue numbering fifteen people, and half of them standing outside the collection office in the freezing cold.
And in your car park there were 20 post vans preparing to go out but still being loaded. There was no one to be seen in the collection department about to serve us, and the lady at the front of the queue said I’ve been waiting half an hour now. I said jokingly to a man behind me, ‘Perhaps we should just nick one van each and take care of the deliveries ourselves, and who knows, our little item may still be in there from yesterday?’ Good idea, he thought, but of course we didn’t.
My point is, though, if you do not particularly want people to turn up at 9 a.m. or just after when you are loading the vans, why not say so on your slip of paper. Something like, “We open at 6 a.m. and close at 1.30 p.m. However, as we are busy loading between 7.30 and 9.15 a.m., those times are best avoided. Also, we have two tea breaks, one at 9.45 a.m. and the second and extended one at 11 a.m.
Perhaps your best bet is to ring us and see if we are likely to be more available at a given time than not, but please remember that you should not expect a live person to answer your call. You will be given seven options, and hopefully one of them will get you somewhere.
Please note that there is no parking for unauthorized vehicles in our car park, so you will need to find a space at the small supermarket next door, where of course you are only allowed so long, and likely to be fined. As you can see, we really do excel in customer service and believe in giving our clients the best advice at all times, although of course not all the advice may apply to you on every occasion.”
So there we are, and I hope you find this helpful. My invoice is in the post.”
They say (I believe) that sarcasm is the lowest form of intelligence but the highest form of wit? I am not so sure in which category to place you. I am not entirely sure whether you are serious or just downright rude? Perhaps you could let me know. Do we file your letter under customer complaints or under constructive criticism?”
“Dear Post executive,
If my letter box was too small and the dog ferocious, why did you not try one of my neighbours either side as you used to in the old days? They are both very friendly and I would do the same for them – any time. With regard to where you file my letters, I could not care less. Vertically in the bin if you like for all the response I am likely to get.”
Now that we are down to one delivery a day (if you’re lucky), we have so much more to do in half the time compared to when we had two deliveries, and could get away with loading less each time than we do nowadays.
Which is why there is sometimes no one at the collection office, they are busy helping to load the vans as well. Common sense really. With regard to leaving your items at the neighbours, this is not the best use of our time and bad economy.
If the neighbour happens to be in and agrees to hold the item for us until you are home, then we need to go back to you anyway to deliver a note to say that your item is with the neighbour, and we also need to put on which one, and sometimes we cannot say for sure whether the house numbers go up and down without walking quite a bit to find out first.
So altogether, not such a good idea. Also, who is responsible for the item? The neighbour who may forget that he is holding it for you, or us who have now relinquished our responsibility when perhaps we shouldn’t have?”
“Dear Post executive,
I surrender, and I can only hope that you will not find me wanting ever again in being available on my premises when you arrive with your delivery.
From now on, I promise that I shall not leave the house until you have been, that I shall chain and gag the dog, that I shall try and get myself a bigger letter box that will take small parcels, that I shall respect your tea times, even the extended ones, that I shall never again even jokingly suggest that I will nick one of your vans and do the delivery myself.
All this I promise, and I apologize for any inconvenience caused in any of my communications and for any hints of irony or sarcasm of which I may have been guilty.
Incidentally, I am sending this letter second class as there is no difference anymore in the speed items are delivered first or second. I do not need an acknowledgement. As far as I am concerned, the subject is now closed.”
AND SIX MONTHS LATER……
Having not heard from you for several months, may we now take it that the subject is closed? We thank you for entering into communication with us and trust that you will have found it a pleasant experience. We look forward to hearing from you again in the future.”
(Reverend Preben Anderson, Minister of Caldicot Methodist Church)
My grateful thanks to Preben for sharing his postal experiences with us!
With many peaceful blessings