On the Lighter Side

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On the Lighter Side

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his granny’s house.

 When Johnny received his plate, he started eating at once.

 “Johnny! Please wait until we say a prayer,” said his mother.

 “I don’t need to,” Johnny replied.

 “Of course you do,” his mother insisted.

 “We always say a prayer before eating in our house.”

 “That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Granny’s house and she knows how to cook!”

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With many peaceful blessings

Geoffrey

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On The Lighter Side

Benjamin listened closely as the Rabbi read from the Bible.

“May I ask a question? Ben asked.

“Of course, go ahead, ask your question, ” replied the Rabbi.

“Well, the Bible says that the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, “continued Ben, “also that the Children of Israel built the Temple, the Children of Israel did this and the Children of Israel did that. Didn’t the grown-ups ever do anything?”

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With many peaceful blessings

Geoffrey

 

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On The Lighter Side

Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible.

He was fascinated as he looked through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages.

“Mama, look what I have found,” he called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, “I think that it’s Adam’s underwear!”

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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.

With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!”

The congregation nodded their approval.

With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world I’d take it and throw it into the river, too!”

The people clapped and were saying “Amen”.

And then finally, he concluded, “And I had all the whisky in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!”

As he sat down, the song leader then stood up quite slowly and announced, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn Number 555: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

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Father O’Malley answers the phone.

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is”.

“This is the Tax Office. Can you help us?”

“I can”.

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do”.

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is”.

“Did he donate £10,000 to your church?”

“He will!”

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(Courtesy of the Christian Centre Newsletter, Ebbw Vale)

In love, laughter, joy and peace

Many blessings

Geoffrey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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On The Lighter Side

A clergyman was driving his sports car at a very fast pace.

He had to scream to a standstill to avoid an accident.

When the angry driver of the other car stormed over to exchange words with the clergyman, the Vicar handed him his card which read:-

“The Rev Paul Brown is very sorry to have missed you. He hopes to make contact with you next time.”

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With many laugh-filled blessings

Geoffrey

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Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out  on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, if you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.

With many joy-filled blessings

Geoffrey

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Laughter is the Best Medicine

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”

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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the Service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,”  the  boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young   boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decide to become a minister when I grow up.”

“That’s fine with us, son, but what made you decide that?” “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. “How do you know what to say?” he asked. “Why, God tells me”, the father replied. The boy thought for a while then quietly said, “Then why do you keep crossing things out?”

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A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged   on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

“The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle.

“I see … And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” Ms. Terri said. “But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius -the Pilot.

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?” “No sir, “little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”

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With many peaceful blessings

Geoffrey

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On the Lighter Side of Life

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

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With many peaceful blessings

Geoffrey

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Helpful Husband

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed

and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “ my son I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

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With many peaceful blessings

Geoffrey

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On The Lighter Side

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. the teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that jonah was swallowed by awhale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow ahuman; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “when i get to heaven i will ask jonah.”

The teacher asked, “what if jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, ·” then you ask him.”

With many healing blessings

Geoffrey

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On Medical Advice

This poem was written by my friend, Ted Hughes, when he was nearly 90 years old!

Come in, Mr Hughes,
I have all your news,
And I’ve fully considered each page,
Although you look pale
For an octogenarian male,
You’re surprisingly good for your age.

A spoonful of rum
For your vociferous tum,
No fantasies should you engage,
When you feel ‘fit to kill’
Keep taking the pill,
But you’re really quite good for your age.

Tho’ you’re weak at the knees
And you spill when you sneeze,
Calm yourself and try not to rage,
Ignore golf course calls
When your putting appals,
‘Cos you’re frightfully fit for your age.

You seem out of touch
As you lean on your crutch,
I’m afraid that you’ve now reached that stage,
As you gaze at your bed
Don’t wish you were dead,
You’re alive and so good for your age.

Just think of the past
As long as you last,
‘Til your real self-bursts from its cage,
Absolutely no doubt
The old body’s worn out,
But you’re oh so good for your age.

Go home now, dear boy
And think of the joy,
All those years of minimum wage,
The times when you could
Contribute much good,
Keep it up, all is well for your age.

I knew Ted for many years. The last time I saw Ted before his death, just after he had reached 92, he took me for a gourmet meal at a restaurant in the New Forest.

Despite my offer to take us in my car, Ted insisted on us going in his car. As we sped through the Hampshire countryside at speeds well in excess of the speed limit, I closed my eyes and said a prayer!

Somehow we managed to arrive safely – the angels must definitely been with us that day!

With many peaceful blessings

Geoffrey